Magical.......Who? My Life After
by TheMischiefMakers
Summary: It's about Lockhart...Lockhart!?! Yes! This is our take on what happens to him after the Memory Charm backfires on him.
1. Default Chapter Title

Magical…….Who? My Life After

# By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Lockhart is on the loose again. (a chorus of groans can be heard) We seem to keep writing about Lockhart, that's disturbing, oh well. (nope, no wells here….sorry) This is just the beginning of this story, being written by Lockhart after the failed Memory Charm. He just can't seem to get rid of the urge to write his thoughts down. There's more to come. Enjoy!

~Introduction and Dedication~

Dudley was talking to me the other day. Who's Dudley you might be asking? Well, he's this strange ivy plant I found a while back. Why is this plant so strange? Ivy is common everywhere after all. The strange and remarkable thing about Dudley is he doesn't seem to need water or soil or nourishment of any kind to continue to thrive. In fact, he's grown a lot since I found him. Strange huh? It _is_ really strange, I mean, most plants die without these things, but not Dudley. He's going to be with me for a long time. We have a great friendship. He's just great.

You see I take all my inspiration from Dudley. Well, not all of it comes from Dudley some comes from the strange robed people that continue to visit me daily. They inspire stories about my new life here. What's this place called again, oh yes I remember, A Secure Section of Hogwarts. That's what the old man with the beard and moon-shaped glasses called it. Great sounding place huh? The best part of it is that there are no other people around to bother me. They were even nice enough to pad the floor and the walls as well. I really feel at home here and Dudley does too. It's great.

Again, I've decided to take up my quill, ink and parchment and put into words my thoughts about my life so far as I can remember it. That's the problem though, I don't remember much about the time or myself before A Secure Section of Hogwarts and Dudley. I'm sure there was a time when I knew everything or at least almost everything. People tell me I did, those strange people in robes, that occasionally mutter strange words. There's a lot of strange things here Dudley, these people, words, perhaps I'm strange too. No.

Gilderoy Lockhart those robed people call me. Who is this Gilderoy Lockhart I ask Dudley and myself. I don't know and if Dudley does he's keeping it to himself. Those people merely look at me pitifully, shake their heads and then leave. To tell you the truth it's a stupid name and I feel sorry for the stupid git that has to go by it.

I've strayed from my original intent here. I've decided to write down my thoughts while I'm here. They said I was an author before the accident. I don't remember any accident though, another strange thing. Anyway, those strange people even told me I wrote loads of books and even an autobiography called _Magical Me_. Of course, I tried to locate this book and I can't find a copy anywhere, I think it was never published. They insist it was published but can you really trust people that run around carrying wands and wearing robes. Sometimes I think, though, perhaps they are right. I do have this terrible urge to write down my thoughts. No matter how mundane or odd they may be.

So, I present to you for your reading pleasure. _Magical……Who? My Life After_. I dedicate this to Dudley who's been a patient plant during these writing spurts and has been encouraging me to continue. Dudley you're the greatest.

The rest is soon to come…….


	2. Default Chapter Title

# Magical… Who? My Life After 

# Part Two

By TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Well, here it is. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it. Lockhart is not ours, he belongs to himself. *grins*All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, except for Dudley the Amazing Talking Ivy Plant. He belongs to us. If you like and want to see Dudley's first appearance it's in our fic Ron's Moment with……Lockhart? Enjoy!

~CHAPTER ONE~

It's insane really. Not knowing who I am and who I was before whatever happened… well happened. I remember pieces of things but I am unable to piece them together in any kind of coherent pattern. Memories of flashing lights and large snakeskins are not very helpful to someone trying to remember who they are. The strangely dressed people here keep telling me that my name's Gilderoy Lockhart but the name means nothing to me at all. Nor does the face staring back at me from the mirror look familiar. It is the face of someone I've never seen before in my life.

"Gilderoy Lockhart," I try the mane on my tongue but it just doesn't seem right and what's more, it's the stupidest name I've ever heard.

Nothing about these people around me or this place is either. This place is called "Hogwarts" and it is apparently a school for witches and wizards. I'm not too sure whether I believe the strange people or not. In fact I'm not even sure that I believe in magic. I've tried to talk to my best friend Dudley about it by he hadn't been in a very talkative mood lately. I'm not sure why but lately his been sitting quietly and spends a great deal of time staring out our window.

Anyway, they tell me that I am a wizard but again I'm not sure if I can trust them or not. Maybe we are all locked up in some insane asylum somewhere, although if that's true the n this is the most unusual one I've ever heard of. There are no bars, no gates and no doctors in little white coats. There are also no padded cells, though I sometimes think that some people around here could benefit from time in one.

This place is completely and totally mental. I mean really, adults walking about in black robes and pointed hats, carrying wands. I mean it's totally ludicrous and Dudley agrees with me. The worst part about it though is they run about in this manner in broad daylight and in front of everyone. This has bothered me ever since I woke up and found myself in that strange underground passage with that red haired boy of about 14. Before that I can remember nothing about my life I can't even remember how I got there in the first place nor why I was dressed the way I was or what we were even doing down there. I've tried and tried to remember what it was we were supposed to be doing but though I gave myself a headache, I still can't remember the reason.

"Ron" tried to explain it to me but it made no sense probably because I had no earthly idea of what he was talking about. The names he used were foreign to me. I have no idea who "Ginny", "Harry" and "Voldemort" are and I still don't understand his reference to a "Chamber of Secrets". What's more confusing to me was the look of astonishment "Ron" gave me when I said I had no clear idea of who "Harry Potter" was. It was almost the reaction you would get if you failed to recognize someone famous like Queen Elizabeth or someone like that. I made me wonder whether this "Harry Potter" was famous and what he had done to become famous. I'm not sure I've ever meet a famous person before, let alone been in the same room with one. I hope this "Harry Potter"comes to visit me. Then I could ask him how he got famous. Hey, maybe I could learn a few pointers and become famous too. Wouldn't that be grand?

~CHAPTER TWO~

I'm not even sure why I'm trying to write this. I guess I've got a writing bug or something, which is very odd. Dudley says that writing my thoughts down would be very good for me. My memory still hasn't seen fit to return and mores the pity. If I could remember some small thing it might help me make sense of all this madness. It would also help if I knew the people that speak to me. They tell me their names and I remember them, sometimes, but they don't mean anything to me. They are just a group of strange people. 

I do know and regularly remember one of their names Albus Dumbledore, he's the old man with the moon shaped glasses. But, I have to admit that I don't really believe that it's his real name, I mean it is a rather stupid name and Dudley, again, isn't being very helpful in supplying information. I'm sure he knows loads more then he's telling me when we talk but I guess even plants don't tell all they know, just like people don't tell all they know either. Hmmmmm, that's interesting. Hey! Dudley! I think there may be another similarity between plants and people…..

*

Sorry, Dudley and I were talking about that revelation above. We talked for a long time but of course, Dudley didn't tell me if my idea was on target or not. Guess plants are very secretive. Hey! That's just like people too. Dudley…..!

*

Sorry again. We were talking and still Dudley is refusing to enlighten me. Maybe he's mad. I've heard that there are plants that have feelings and some that get mad too, perhaps Dudley is one of those kinds of plants. People can get mad too. Hey! Dudley!!!!!!!

*

Dudley told me to go away and leave him alone. I…..I….can't write anymore today…..Sorry.

~CHAPTER THREE~

Oh Dudley. What did I do? Why do you hate me all of a sudden? I'm not sure that I can continue this. I tried to talk to Dudley today, as I have been trying to for the past three days, and he told me to set him in his favorite spot and to leave him alone and not to talk to him again. I sit here and try to write but I find my gaze wandering to Dudley, who is sitting on the windowsill on the other side of the room. He's just been sitting there, looking out of the barred windows. When the sun comes through the window the shadows cast by Dudley and the bars makes it appear like he is in prison. It saddens me, but what saddens me more is that our friendship that was so strong and true has, I think come to an end. 

~CHAPTER FOUR~

Dudley still refuses to talk to me. I'm too depressed to write more.

~CHAPTER FIVE~

No change.

~CHAPTER SIX~

I can't take it any more! Dudley! I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did!

~CHAPTER SEVEN~

A Great Day Has Dawned! Dudley had begun to speak to me again. He accepted my apology and apologized in return for ignoring me. He said he had some issues to think about, whatever that means. Well, we talked and even though he has not been able to shed any light on my past I think Dudley was happy to have someone to talk to. I was glad too. I have to talk to Dudley now. I'll write more later. 

~CHAPTER EIGHT~

Guess what? You know that kid with the scar on his forehead. Huh Dudley? Yes, Harry Potter. He's real. I met him and we're going to talk in a few seconds. Gotta go and get ready. I'm sure I'll have more to write later. This is the sort of stuff people put in books. I'm so excited.

~CHAPTER NINE~

Wow, you'll never believe what I found out. My Dudley has the same name as Harry Potter's cousin. Harry assures me though not to seek out Dudley Dursley, because I would be disappointed by him. Harry Potter said my Dudley is much more pleasant to be around. We talked for a long time then Harry Potter had to go, but he said he would come back soon to visit. He even said he'd bring a picture of his cousin so I might see him for myself. As he left I heard that old man with moon shaped glasses say that Harry Potter was doing the right thing in visiting me. Do I have a connection to this strange kid with a scar and a cousin named Dudley? 

~CHAPTER TEN~

Finally after a week, during which I had many interesting and odd visitors, that kid with the scar came back to visit me… What Dudley? Yeah the famous Harry Potter. Anyway he was back and he brought a picture of his cousin Dudley Dursley. It was the strangest picture I'd ever seen. I mean the person in the picture didn't move or anything. People in pictures are supposed to move! Well, anyway Dudley Dursley didn't move. Harry Potter was right I wouldn't have liked his cousin if I'd met him. I could just tell by looking at the picture. At least I think it was a picture of Dudley- all I saw was a huge round face- at least I think it was a face. Anyway I wouldn't like to meet him. He looks like he would rather sit on me then talk to me. I'm very very glad his not here. I'm going to stay here where it's nice and safe… What Dudley? Oh, you'll stay here with me. Well that's awful kind of you. I'm so very glad we're talking again.

~ CHAPTER ELEVEN ~

Joy! I had many visitors today including ones I had never seen before. That strange old man with the moon shaped glasses was here but he brought some friends with him to try… to try… Thank you Dudley! To try and help me get my memory back.And you know what it worked because I remembered one of their names: Severus Snape. I'm not sure why I remembered it. I thought that maybe we were best friends you know before my accident that I still can't remember but that doesn't seem to be the case. He doesn't look like anyone I would want to be friends with. I mean I'm cheerful and it's pretty obvious that he's as sour as they come. So why did I remember his name when my own is unfamiliar to me? I tried asking Dudley but he was of little help since we only met after my memory problems began. Now at last I'm getting somewhere. I f I can remember one name maybe I can remember other things as well. I hope so anyway.

~ CHAPTER TWELVE ~

Sometimes I think I should just change my name and make up a new one. I mean Gilderoy Lockhart's a really stupid name after all and since I can't remember that it is my name I would have no trouble in using a new and different one. I think I'll call myself Lord Voldemort the Great. Dudley what do you think of my new name. Dudley? Dudley… hey Dudley… I don't believe it, he fainted… I didn't know that plants could faint. Amazing!

~ CHAPTER THIRTEEN ~

I tried my new name on several visitors today. It scared them to death. I wonder why it would that. I mean it's just a name right? I tried to ask Dudley about it but he became tight lipped about it saying it was better if I didn't remember why. (I'm not sure how a piece of ivy even one as special as Dudley can be "tight lipped" but he was.) That "Ron" was here and he said that I was…. That I was… Help me here Dudley… oh yeah… he said I was completely nutters. I'm not sure what that means. The old man with the moon glasses was here too and he asked me to stop scaring everyone by say that I was now Lord Voldemort so I said it about twenty more times and he left me alone. When he came back again sometime later he had several strange people with him. They all chanted some mumbo-jumbo and waved their wands around. Then they looked into my eyes and said that I was not… was not… oh what's the word. Thank you Dudley …possessed by the spirit of Voldemort. Then they all left. I had great fun today! I think I really really like my new name!

~ CHAPTER FOURTEEN ~

Has anyone seen Dudley? He went missing some time yesterday after that strange visit we had from those people that the old guy brought. I thought that Dudley went to hide like he does when anything strange happens around here. (Dudley hates strangeness and I don't blame him for it.) I can't find him. He's not in any of his usual hiding places. I have to stop writing now so that I can better concentrate on searching for Dudley. Oh Dudley…. Where oh where has my poor Dudley gone? Oh where oh where can he be…? You don't suppose he's been plant napped do you? AHAHAHAHA!!!!! Help Dudley's been plant napped! Help me!


	3. Default Chapter Title

# Magical……..Who? My Life After

Part Three

## By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: He's back. Will Lockhart find Dudley? Read and find out. As always these characters belong to J. K. Rowling, except for Dudley. Enjoy.

~Chapter 15~

I looked in all of Dudley's hiding places again, just to make sure and he's not in any of them, unless he moves really quickly from one place to another. I'm even more sure then I was before that he's been plant napped. However, no one seems to understand the severity of this matter, even the old man with moon-shaped glasses, who I thought would understand, gave me a strange look, shook his head then proceeded to tell me that there was nothing to worry about. I bet if his plant had been stolen he wouldn't speak about it as if it were a trivial matter. No! If it was him he wouldn't take it so lightly, NO! he would be out looking for his plant, saving it from the horrible tortures that the world has to offer everyone! Horrible tortures that can be done to make plants tell all they know. I'm sure someone somewhere has a way to make plants tell them what they want to know. The horror! Dudley! I'm coming for you! I know you would do the same for me! Worry not Dudley help is on the way….!

~Chapter 16~

I tried to leave my room but I was intercepted while leaving by the old man with moon-shaped glasses. He told me to calm down and that all was being done to help Dudley. I don't believe him. I'm going to get out of here and find Dudley as soon as he leaves. I'm sure that even as I write this and wait, Dudley is being tortured by cruel means. I can feel him screaming for help. I'm coming Dudley!

~Chapter 17~

Guess what? I've escaped. How you may ask? Well, I'm not going to tell you, so there. I've a mission, a quest. I must save Dudley for no one else is going to do it for me so I must brave the world and the horrors that it holds to save him. I'm also going to write it all down as it happens too: right now I'm slowly making my way down the hall away from my room. It's kind of hard to walk and write, especially when you have to carry book, ink and quill. Surely there is a better way to do this. I know! I'll stop every so often and tell you what's happening. Till then be brave Dudley! I'm coming!

~Chapter 18~

I'm in a small room now. I've looked around and Dudley is not here. But, I will find him, I'm sure of it. What will I find, though, when I find Dudley. Will he be all right? Will he be happy to see me? Will he be…….? No! I can't think that…. that horrible, terrible, vile thought. I'm coming Dudley…….!!! 

*

Whew! I was almost caught when I decided to leave this room. Good thing I decided to wait a little longer at the last moment. Some of those people were walking by and you know something funny they are looking for me. Hehehehe. I heard the old man saying, "Find him quickly before anything happens to him."Perhaps, I should leave clues for them. It could be fun. What can I do? I know! I'll take pieces of paper and write, "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT THE GREAT" in big letters like that and leave them in each place I stop at. I'll start now. I feel a great adventure about to start here…. Don't worry Dudley I'm coming for you.

~Chapter 19~

I've stopped again and have left my message on the stall wall, instead of on paper. I don't know why though, I guess it's because other people seem to like to leave their name and messages here too. Maybe it's some kind of communication device or something like that. Some of the interesting messages left here are: Draco Malfoy is a stinkin' Slytherin, 

I love H.G., Gryffindors Rule and Slytherins Drool, P. W. loves P. C. and some others that I don't think are proper to write down or even say. It's interesting though. However, for all the messages here there is not one from Dudley so I guess he's not been anywhere near here. While I was here reading the wall and adding my message I was thinking about who would do such a vile thing as to plant nap Dudley. I have two suspects:

"Ron" and Severus Snape. 

But why? I ask myself over and over again. There can only be one answer to that question: Dudley knows something. Something that they don't want other people to know about. Something dark and sinister about them or their past. That's all it can be. Well time to move on. I wonder if anyone will find my message here?

~Chapter 20~

Hhehehe. I scared someone today. I was keeping to the shadows so as not to be seen and I was following this kid. I guess he's a student at this school. He had one of those…..those….oh, if Dudley were here he'd know….anyway it was a strange small black box hanging from his neck. He was snapping away with it…pointing it then clicking a red button on it then he'd do this same thing again. Point then click then point then click. I watched him do this for a very long time. Then I jumped out from behind him and yelled, "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT THE GREAT!" He turned quickly, his face as pale as death, he pointed and clicked then fainted clear away. I looked at him and I wondered if he was okay or if I had scared him to death, but then the black box caught my attention so I took it from him. Yes, I know that wasn't very nice, but let's face it 

if he's dead what's he going to need it for. I took it and began to walk away because I heard footsteps coming my way. I looked at this interesting box for a while before I dropped it on the floor and do you know what popped out of it? Strange black, plastic paper. Do you know what was on the paper? People and places that I guess the kid knew or had been to. I saw all sorts of interesting things on this strange black plastic paper: "Ron," that kid with the scar, and a strange game at least I guess it was a game being played on broomsticks. I also saw the picture of me he just snapped; I'm a very photogenic person. But, after a while the people and places on the strange black plastic paper began to fade as I looked at them. I think I saw Dudley in one of them before they faded completely away. This is my first clue to the whereabouts of Dudley. If only I could've seen the background. Don't worry Dudley I'm coming no matter how much pain I may suffer!

~Chapter 21~

Everyone is still looking for me. I saw that kid I scared yesterday and he was telling the old man with the moon-shaped glasses that he saw He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The old man looked extremely worried and then he said: "Don't worry we'll find him? Lemon drop?" to the kid who shook his head his eyes wide in fear. I wonder what "lemon drop" means? I wonder who this He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is? If Dudley was here he could tell me. Boy, I really need Dudley and speaking of Dudley I know who has him. It's that Severus Snape, he just seems like the type that would plant nap Dudley for his own evil purposes. I bet he's done loads of terrible things. Lemon drop?

~Chapter 22~

Well, I'm now in a hallway. I've decided to stop and find another dark corner to hide in because there seems to be a lot of people traffic though here. I don't want to be caught when I'm so close to finding Dudley. I saw that kid with the scar, he was talking and laughing with "Ron" and some brown haired girl. Yuk! Girls have cooties! They seemed to be having a good time. After a while they left. Then the most shocking and amazing thing happened. I saw two of the same person. They looked exactly alike; I mean _exactly_ alike, it was so strange and well, creepy. I wonder if this place can make multiple similar people. What's that called?…… Dudley I really need you. Anyway, these two similar people were planning something and they were wondering how many points they would lose and how many detentions they would get. They laughed a lot and seemed happy. I wondered for a moment if I should come out and ask them for help in finding Dudley, but then they left before I had the chance to ask. Oh well, the coast is clear and I'm moving on. Dudley I'll find you!

~Chapter 23~

Dudley where are you? I'm really worried now. Maybe I'm too far away to hear Dudley's cries of pain and anguish. Maybe he's been trying to contact me and…and I've not been listening. Maybe, I need to concentrate more on Dudley. I know I'm going to sit here and try to reach Dudley telepathically. I'm going to open my inner eye and look past the mundane and listen for things others can't hear. I'm going to broaden my mind to hear and understand things others ignore. Like that strange bug-eyed woman was saying to the kid with the scar when they walked past. I feel sorry for him he had this long suffering sort of look on his face. I wonder what an inner eye is and if it and inner eye does that mean you can see inside yourself? Hmmmmm? Dudley can you hear me? Dudley are you there?

~Chapter 24~

Great News! I think I've located Dudley. I just need to find a way to get to him. I heard that "Ron" talking about a plant he'd seen in the… the… What's it called? Dudley would know… Oh that place with all the plants. Anyway the plant he described sounded a lot like Dudley. "Ron" said the plant looked like it was dying or something. I'm sure that Severus Snape has done something dreadful to Dudley. Now all I have to do is find out where this… this… this place is. Maybe I could follow someone around until I see a place that has a lot of plants in it. Unfortunately there's no one here but me. Everyone is still looking for You-Know-Who and for me. That's a stupid name: You-Know-Who. I think mine sounds a lot better: Lord Voldemort the Great. Don't you? Anyway I gotta leave the searchers another clue. I think I'll write it on this wall right here.

~Chapter 25~

Well, I still haven't found Dudley but I did find something very interesting. It's a really interesting can of strange silver paint. You might be wondering why I think this can of paint is strange. Well the silver paint in the can doesn't come off whatever it touches or whatever touches it. I know this because I stuck my hand in the can to find out what was in it and it came out all silvery looking. Then I tried to wash it off but it wouldn't come off. I guess I'm stuck with a silver left hand forever. Well, it won't be entirely useless. At least it will make an interesting topic for discussion at parties or something like that. I can see it now… Let me tell you about how I got this silver hand.It's pretty neat, huh?

Anyway, I was following that kid with the scar, who looked none the worse for that inner eye discussion the other day. Hey, did you know that the kid with the scar has a cousin named Dudley just like my plant Dudley. Isn't it neat? I thought maybe he would be going to the… the… the… the plant place but all he was doing was going to stupid, boring class. At least I think that's what it's called. I am getting really really mad now. I NEED to find Dudley! No one seems to understand this nor do they seem willing to help me to find him! I'm angry! I'm bitter! I disillusioned! I'm… I don't know where that came from. I'm beginning to not sound like myself anymore. I just don't understand what's happening to me. Dudley please help me!

~Chapter 26~

Today I woke up and decided to try following girls even though they have "cooties", whatever "cooties" are.Anyway, I hope they're not catchy.I followed a flaming red haired girl who seems to look familiar to me though from where I'm not sure. I'll bet Dudley could tell me… She seemed very determined to get somewhere so I followed her for a while. Finally she stopped at a door for under which a lot of water was coming out. The water that was rushing from under the door was flooding the entire hall. From what I overheard that man with the cat say this flooding happens all the time. It's strange to me and I wonder what it means.

Anyway I waited for her to come out and when she did I went in. Inside I found more water, some funny looking chairs and no Dudley, though I checked the room twice. I'm sitting on one of the seats now trying to decide where to search next. I HAVE to find Dudley! He's the only friend I have left. I hope he hasn't… died or something equally horrible. I wonder what that Severus Snape is doing to him. Don't worry Dudley I'm coming for you!

I don't think I'll stay in this room for long. There's this horrible, terrible moaning noise coming from the floor or ceiling (I'm not sure which). I can't stand moaning and neither can Dudley. Oh, how I wish I could find him. I NEED him here. Think I'll leave another message here on the wall outside this strange moaning room and see what happens. Maybe I'll scare someone again. Hehehehe…!

~Chapter 27~

I woke up today and found myself back in my padded room with the bars on the windows. For a moment I thought the whole thing about Dudley and my escape was a dream but then I saw a leaf left behind by my friend and knew it wasn't a dream at all. Now I'm so depressed and I feel so woozy that I don't want to move. I'm not gonna move from here and maybe I'll just lay here until I die. I've failed my Grand Quest. I didn't find… Wait a minuet… could it be… no it can't be… it is… no it's not… yes… no… Oh joy! It is! I've found Dudley! Hooray! Dudley is back save and sound! This is a joyful day!


	4. Default Chapter Title

# Magical………Who? My Life After

Part 4

## By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Yep, we're back again with Lockhart and Dudley and some new friends too. Almost had this whole thing typed the other day when the computer freaked out and ate it up, infernal computers. Read and review as always. These characters belong to J. K. Rowling except Dudley and others that are our own special creation. 

~Chapter 28~

I'm so glad that Dudley is back and back in one piece. I wanted Dudley to tell me where he was but he's not talking about it. I've heard that it's hard to talk about traumatic events so soon after they've happened. I'll just give Dudley time to readjust to life here again. Maybe, after he feels safe again he'll tell me the whole story. I'm just so happy to have you back Dudley…What? Well, I'm glad that you're glad to be back. I've really missed our conversations and just having you around to tell me the things I don't know. I learned a lot while you were gone. What? You want to know about my silver hand? Well, let me tell you Dudley…This is great finally I can talk to someone again. 

~Chapter 29~

Dudley and I talked almost all night it was great. I feel like Dudley is the only one that understands me sometimes. These strange people here don't seem to care about me, except perhaps that kid with the scar…yes Harry Potter thank you Dudley. Anyway, I've some more great news; Dudley brought a friend with him. He told me that while we were talking last night. He said that he didn't tell me about this new friend right off because he was scared that I would be upset. I'm not I'm just glad that Dudley helped save another plant from the plant napper. Dudley is a plant with high moral standards and I'm so proud of him. He set aside his fears to save a fellow plant. He's very brave and his bravery shall shine like a beacon for other plants of the future. Dudley the brave. Dudley the heroic. Dudley the…what Dudley? Could I keep it down, you're trying to sleep? Oh, sorry. Night Dudley.

~Chapter 30~

Dudley introduced me to his friend today who's been hiding because he's afraid of strange places and people he's never met. That's understandable. Our new friends name is Vernon he's a fern and he's just like Dudley…well not really because he's a fern and Dudley is an ivy and I don't think they belong to the same plant family…but, like Dudley he doesn't need food or water or anything to live. I wonder if he talks like Dudley? Perhaps, when I've gained his trust he'll talk to me. Perhaps with both of their help we'll be able to make a composite sketch of the plant napper and I bet you when the sketch is done it will look like "Ron" or Severus Snape or maybe both, that would be really weird. 

~Chapter 31~

Disaster!!! We have a serious problem, a problem of epic proportions. Not only do we have a plant napper we are now living with a serial plant killer. This is terrible, Dudley and Vernon are scared to death and I'm not much better. Just think of the horrors of waking up to find your plant dead and by murderous means too. The thought is just too horrid to think of. I found out about this while the old man with moon-shaped glasses was visiting me. We were talking about Dudley being plant napped and he had just assured me that everything was being done to catch the person or persons responsible for this, it was at this point that a rather plump, short, woman came in and whispered into his ear and he left the room in a hurry. I listened at the door because I was sure this had something to do with Dudley's disappearance. So I listened and the plump, short woman said that some important plants had died and that they better see to getting new ones right away. She also said other plants were dying too. She had a certain amount of anxiety in her voice as if she really cared for the well being of the plants and it was as if these deaths were weighing heavily on her. I really feel sorry for her. The old man came back in and excused himself from the room, than he left quickly a preoccupied look on his face.

Dudley and Vernon are scared and I don't know what to do about it. I have to protect them from this new threat to their lives. I have to do something, but what? Wait! I know I'll keep a 24-hour watch on them so the serial plant killer and the plant napper won't be able to get them. Yes! Don't worry Dudley and Vernon I'll keep you safe. You can depend on me.

~Chapter 32~

Day 1 of my 24-Hour watch.

Dudley still hasn't talked about the plant napping. I hope that he will soon. Vernon has yet to talk to me. This must be very trying for them, being plant napped then to have this new menace forced upon them. No wonder their not talking. I'm not sure I'd be able to talk either. I just hope they find the vile person soon. 

~Chapter 33~

Day 2 of my 24-Hour watch.

No sign of anyone. Maybe, they've captured the murderous person.

~Chapter 34~

Day 3 of my 24-Hour watch. 

Dudley and Vernon seem to have calmed down a little. I guess my watch is helping them feel more secure. They are still not talking though, and I wish they would. I keep reminding myself I need to be patient with them, I can't force them to talk about this until they are ready to come face to face with the truth of what happened to them. I just hope I can keep this up. I need to help Dudley and Vernon through this by making them feel as safe as possible. These are trying times indeed.

~Chapter 35~

## Day 4 of my……

~Chapter 36~

Oh no! Oh no! I fell asleep. I can't believe it. I've failed Dudley and Vernon in their hour of need. The time when they need me most of all. The time when it could be a matter of life or death. Dudley! Vernon!….Whew, you're still here. I'm so sorry for falling asleep. Forgive me…oh thank-you. I won't fail you again.

~Chapter 37~

Guess what? That kid with the scar…What Vernon?… Vernon?!? You do talk! Great!!!

~Chapter 38~

Vernon talked to me for a long time yesterday. It was great. I've finally won his trust. Now I have two talking plants. I wonder how many of them there are in the world. I bet I've got the only two. Perhaps, that plump, short woman could tell me. I can't write anymore I have to talk to Dudley _and _Vernon. Oh, Joy!

~Chapter 40~

Where was I before…What Dudley? Oh, yes that kid with the scar…Yes Vernon Harry Potter came to see me again and this time he brought "Ron" and the brown haired girl with cooties…What Vernon? No I don't think plants can get cooties…Anyway, they all came and talked to me. I introduced them to Vernon and then I moved Dudley and Vernon away from the brown haired girl with cooties just in case plants can get cooties too. I think "Ron" thought this was funny because I saw a smirk on his face when I moved them and the girl looked insulted a little by it too. We have enough to worry about with plant nappers and serial plant killers, I told them. We don't need to worry about the possibility of cooties being transmitted to Dudley and Vernon. After I moved them Harry Potter told me that his Uncle's name was Vernon. Remarkable huh? Now, I'm even more sure that there is a connection between Harry Potter and me. What to you think Dudley and Vernon? Let's talk about it.

~Chapter 41~

That "Ron" was in here today looking for that kid with the scar- yeah, I know Dudley: Harry Potter. I told him that Harry Potter wasn't hiding under my bed and to stay away from my plants. He looked at me funny and said I was "mental" whatever that means. I really think "Ron" is the one who plant napped Dudley and possibly Vernon as well. He was looking extremely suspicious to me. I wonder if he's also the serial plant killer. Um… Hey Dudley, Vernon I need to know what the guy who plant napped you looked like! Can you tell me… Talk to me… Talk to me… Talk to me please.

~Chapter 42~

I tried to explain to that old man with the moon shaped glasses the severity of the situation here. He told me not to worry. That there was no serial plant killer or even a plant napper in the "Secure Section of Hogwarts". He also said that neither Vernon nor Dudley had been plant napped. I pretended to believe all he said but I really didn't believe him at all. I think there is really something going on here that no one wants to tell me about. There IS A SERIAL PLANT NAPPER AND KILLER on the loose here. NO PLANT IS SAFE FROM HIM. I also know his name. It is that "Ron".

~Chapter 43~

Dudley and Vernon still refuse to tell me who took them or even where they were held. I've tried everything I can think of to get them to tell me but they aren't speaking to me. Dudley…? Vernon…? Are you guys mad at me or something? What did I do? They are being very secretive… again. Plants! They can be as bad as people sometimes. I wish you guys would tell me what's going on and who took you. Can't you give me a clue… just a teeny little hint… please? It could be a matter of life and death to a fellow plant in need…

What Dudley? You both wish to be left alone… all right… I'll leave you alone….

~Chapter 44~

I forgot to tell you in all the excitement of Dudley's return and all but I got a new plant friend a few days ago. That plump woman who was talking to the old man with the moon shaped glasses the other day brought it to me just before Dudley turned up with Vernon. She told me it's a Muggle plant called a flower. The plant's name is Petunia. At least I think its Petunia I could be wrong my memory not being what it used to be. Anyway it's Muggle, which means I have to water it and that it doesn't talk like Vernon and Dudley do. I found out why Dudley and Vernon weren't speaking to me. They were jealous of Petunia and all the attention I was giving her. They felt left out. I explained to them that Muggle plants need more attention then they do because they can't survive on their own like magic plants can. This seemed to placate them and we're friends again, thank goodness. They still won't tell me who took them though. I certainly hope they do and soon before it's too late.

~Chapter 45~

Guess what!? That kid with the scar… Yes Dudley I know- Harry Potter- I know who he is so you don't need to shout. Anyway, that Harry Potter came to visit me today. He didn't look too happy about something. Maybe he talked to that bug-eyed woman whose always talking about "inner eyes" Harry Potter always seems to be most upset by her. I wonder what she says to him to make him act like this… Anyway he saw my flower… that Petunia and he told me the most amazing thing. His aunt's name is Petunia too. Isn't that wild? I thought it was and that it was even I bit odd. In fact I think it is very very odd indeed! Well I have to stop writing to take care of Petunia, its time to water and talk to her. 

~Chapter 46~

I'm beginning to suspect something extremely odd is going on. I overheard that old man with the moon shaped glasses talking to that kid with the scar and that brown haired girl with cooties. He talked about how more of the plants have died and that other ones have begun to act strangely, almost like people. It made me wonder about my own plant friends. They seem to be acting like people too and their names are even those of actual people. That kid with the scar, Harry Potter, said that "Dudley", "Vernon" and "Petunia" were the names of the people in his family. I think that some evil and vile dark wizard has put a spell on Harry's family, some kind of plant curse or something. I wonder if this is related to the serial plant killer and the plant napping that have been going on around here lately. Some "Secure Section of Hogwarts" this is when plants can't even live in peace. I'll just bet that "Ron"…

~Chapter 47~

Did I tell you some people came the other day and removed the bars from my windows? No? Well they did but I don't know why. I asked Dudley and Vernon but they didn't know either. I was just about to ask Petunia when I remembered she doesn't talk, which is too bad. Anyway, I just hope they don't remove the padding from the walls, it's kind of fun to be able to run headlong into the walls and not have to worry about getting hurt or anything. Of course you still should use caution when running into the walls, even if they are padded, because sometimes you fall on the floor, which isn't padded, and the floor is really hard. One time I was bouncing off the walls and I tripped and cracked my head on the floor. I had this strange vision about the kid with the scar, "Ron," a girl with flaming red hair and this remarkable bird of some kind. At least I think it was a bird it had feathers and wings. Before I could fully understand this vision it faded and I didn't see anymore not even after repeatedly hitting my head on the floor. All I got from that was a headache. 

Anyway that wasn't what I wanted to tell you about. After they took the bars off the window and left my room I looked out of the window for the first time ever. Do you know something; I'm really far from the ground up here. Far enough from the ground to make you not want to jump but not so far away from it that you couldn't see people on it. And see people I did. Loads of people, I guess students from this school. I saw "Ron" the kid with…yes Harry Potter, Dudley, and the brown haired girl with cooties. I also say those two similar people again, what's that called Dudley?…Twins? You mean they were born that way? They weren't…Cloned, that was the word I was looking for earlier. You mean there have always been two of them? Not one first and then, years later, the first decided to have another of himself so he got himself cloned? They were born like that? That's incredible. Don't you think it's incredible? I wonder if their parents get confused? I wonder if they get confused? Remarkable truly remarkable Where was I, oh yes, thank-you Vernon. I was watching all those people when a rather unpleasant looking group of kids came up to Harry Potter and company (that means "Ron" and the brown haired girl with cooties. I'm getting tired of writing their names down so I'll say the above phrase when referring to all of them.) Anyway, this unpleasant looking group came up to Harry Potter and company and started laughing at them. I'm not sure why. They kept laughing and I saw "Ron" getting redder and redder and then finally, do you know what happened, "Ron" punched one of the kids in the face. Did I tell you there were three kids in this group? Well there was and "Ron" had punched the tallest one, a rat faced kid with light blond hair. Soon, they were on the ground fighting. "Ron" landed several good punches and blocked most of the punches being thrown at him. The rat faced kid with light blond hair fights like a girl. It was fun to watch "Ron" cream the other kid. The fun didn't last though because a rather strict looking woman with square shaped glassed broke it up. It was just getting good too. I think that Harry Potter was going to get into it, but that woman had to come along and ruin it. So, the kids that started it left and I heard the strict looking woman with the square shaped glasses say to the brown haired girl with cooties that she was very disappointed in them. I can't figure out why she was so disappointed though, "Ron" had won the fight. It was good to have some entertainment for a few minutes at any rate.

What Dudley….? No I'm not getting tired of you and Vernon…I've told you, Petunia is a Muggle plant and she has to be cared for. It's really ashame that she doesn't talk we could all have some great discussions. Oh well.

~Chapter 47~

Oh my, you'll never guess what happened last night. I was sleeping first off, you see Dudley and Vernon told me I should get some rest because I've been really high strung lately, so I took their advice and slept and it was great. I'm so glad they let me rest for a while. For it was only for a while I was able to sleep. It wasn't too soon after my head hit my pillow that I heard a sound coming from the window, it was a funny sort of scratching sound. I ignored it because I was really sleepy. However, soon I heard the sound of breaking glass and a scream came from Dudley and Vernon. I'm sure Petunia would've screamed to if she were able. I jumped from my bed ready to defend Dudley, Vernon and Petunia with my last breath. I was ready for anything, the serial plant killer, the plant napper, "Ron, " Severus Snape. Of course I couldn't see anyone because it was dark so I got a candle from my nightstand and lit it illuminating the whole room, it was one powerful candle. I thought I was going to catch "Ron" or that Severus Snape in the act this time but I was surprised to see that it wasn't either of them. It was a man, at least I guess it was he was hiding under a cloak so all I could see where his glowy, red eyes. This man was also…What's that called when you can see through something Dudley? Transparent yes….I could see through him at times like he was a…yes a ghost, thank-you Vernon, but at other times he seemed to be able to solidify himself so he wasn't transparent at all. I bet you're thinking "that's pretty weird" well it gets weirder. Then he turned to me and looked at me with those glowy red eyes and then he laughed. I don't know why he was laughing; I guess he found something funny, of course if I had just been caught breaking into someplace I don't think I would've been laughing as hard as he was. We stood there for a while while he finished laughing and then I asked him who he was. His glowy red eyes narrowed as he looked at me it was really creepy, but I stood my ground, I wasn't going to let him get the best of me glowy red eyes or no glowy red eyes. 

"I am Lord Voldemort!" he said in a triumphant sort of way.

I laughed, I mean I had too; it was the most ridicules thing I had ever heard. From his reaction, though, he don't like the fact that I was laughing, because he narrowed his eyes more and then he pulled out this long stick and pointed it at me. This only made me laugh more, after all how dangerous could a stick be? This wasn't the reaction he was looking for I guess because he stopped advancing on me, which was good because by this time I was really close to the window. 

"I am Lord Voldemort the Great! All people fear me!" he said. 

"You can't be Lord Voldemort the Great because, you see, I am," I replied.

This really made him mad.

"No, I am!" he shouted.

"No, I am!" I retorted.

He was really mad now, his glowy red eyes flashed but we continued with the "No, I am!" fight for a while until I was getting bored and until we were face to face with each other. Boy, did he stink too, you would think that if he was some great powerful Lord he could take a bath or something and I told him so. I guess that was the last straw because he ran at me at that point and do you know what I did…I moved and then do you know what happened…he rushed past me the stupid git. He ran right past me and fell right out of the window. I saw this shocked look on his face as he past me; of course he was stupid in the first place for letting his anger get the better of him. Never go off half-cocked they always say. He would've been better off just to say, "Yeah, you are Lord Voldemort the Great, I'm sorry." But oh no he had to get all mad and rush me so of course I moved, who wouldn't after all. I looked out of the window as he fell and I waved and said:

"Goodbye "Lord Voldemort the Great.""

Then he hit the ground and the most amazing thing of all happened. He disappeared. Just like that, he was gone. Weird huh? I think this only further supports my theory that Dudley, Vernon, Petunia and I are the only normal people here.

To Be Continued…….


	5. Default Chapter Title

# Magical………Who? My Life After

Part 5

## By: TheMischiefMakers

~Chapter 49~

I saw those two similar people today…yes the Twins, I still can't get over the fact they were born that way, amazing, it really is. You know they have flaming red hair like that "Ron" and that one girl I followed that one time. I wonder if somehow, that are related to one another. Can two similar people…Twins…be related to other people that don't look a thing like them, except that have the same hair color. I wonder if that is possible? Hey Dudley, Vernon….

I talked to Dudley and Vernon about the similar people being related to that "Ron" and the flaming red haired girl and they said that yes they were all related. I'm amazed not only by this revelation but by the fact that Dudley and Vernon actually told me something. Things must be getting ready to get really strange or something.

I just had another idea….hahaha very funny Dudley, you know I do get ideas every so often there's no need to laugh about it, honestly. Anyway what if those two similar people, that "Ron" and the flaming red haired girl are all responsible for the plant napping and serial plant killings? I could be a family business or something; I've heard that some people have jobs like that. I wonder… hey Dudley… Vernon… did the guy who plant napped you have flaming red hair? Why won't you tell me?! I hate it when you go all secretive on me. I know I'll try asking them later. Perhaps they just need a little more time. Promise me you'll tell me later, okay? What's that Dudley… you will tell me someday… when I am ready…? What does that mean? Hey Dudley… why are you being so cryptic? Dudley?

### ~Chapter 50~

I was looking back through at all the chapters for this book that I have written so far and I suddenly realized that I put two chapter 47s in here. I must ask my faithful readers to forgive me but I got interrupted at that time and I forgot what chapter I was on. I'm sure you understand how that is. In addition to this my memory is not what it used to be, as Dudley so often reminds me. I may not remember most people's names or even what I ate for breakfast this morning but at least I know who I am. I am Lord Voldemort the Great… Dudley…Vernon… why did you faint? Are you all right? Please wake up?

~Chapter 51~

You may be wondering why I don't have a chapter between chapters 38 and 40 so, well I'll tell you why. It's because I really don't like the number that comes between 38 and 40. I won't even say it. I guess that makes me… makes me… stupidstitious. I mean superstitious. Thank you Vernon. Anyway I don't like that number in the same way some people don't like the number 13. Have you ever been in one of those up and down things they sometimes have in really tall Muggle buildings? I wonder how they are able to build them that tall? Anyway one of those up and down things. Yeah a lift… thank you Dudley. Sometimes Muggles will completely leave out the 13th floor on these lifts. Anyway I'm the same way about the number that comes between 38 and 40. So there it is. There is NO chapter between chapters 38 and 40 and it's NOT an error.

I wonder why people, especially Muggles, don't like the number 13. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Do you? Hey… Vernon… Dudley… do you think there is anything wrong with the number 13? I think it's really silly to be scared of a number, don't you. I mean it's totally ridiculous. What's that Dudley… no I don't think I'm a hypo… hypo… hippogriff? What? Oh you mean a hypocrite. What's that anyway? Dudley, Vernon! Stop laughing at me this instant and tell me what that word means!

~Chapter 52~

Dudley and Vernon still won't tell me what a hypocrite is or who it was that plant napped them. I'm beginning to get really, really frustrated at them. I mean all I want is a few simple answers. Is that really too much to ask. But oh no they're too important to be troubled by such trivial things. I guess I'll just have to find out the answers some other way. I think I'll start by asking the very next person who comes through my door to visit me. I hope it's that old man with the moon shaped glasses. He seems to be an honest sort and also seems to know everything that goes on around here. I WILL find the answers! You just wait and see! Dudley, Vernon I WILL be heard! Stop laughing… ! Plants! Who can fathom the way a plant's mind works. Geez.

~Chapter 53~

Hey did I tell you that they came and fixed my broken window? Well they did and a very good job they did too. All of us in the "Secure Section of Hogwarts" are so relieved now and things are quieter now that Vernon has stopped screaming all the time. You might be wondering why Vernon was screaming and so I'll tell you why. I discovered something very important about Vernon. You see he has a… a… Oh what's it called when you are really terrified of something? Yeah a phobia. Thanks Dudley. Anyway Vernon has a phobia and its name is… is… Oh dang it! Why can't I remember things? I can't remember what it's called but it means that Vernon is afraid of high places. What's that Vernon… Oh you're not just afraid of them, they terrify you. I'm sorry to hear that. Vernon you might want to get away from that open window. Anyway now that the window is fixed Vernon's okay with the height thing. It was only when the window was broken that he had a problem. I wonder where that smelly and fake "Lord Voldemort the Great" went when he disappeared. Maybe I should try asking.

~Chapter 54~

I tried telling that "Ron" about "Lord Voldemort the Great" but guess what? He fainted right in my room when I told him who it was that had broken my window. I wonder why that name "Lord Voldemort the Great" makes everyone react this same way. Hey Dudley… Vernon… any clues as to why? Anyway after several minuets that "Ron" woke up and got up, dusting himself off. Then he sat back down in the chair and I told him the whole story of the "I am Lord Voldemort the Great" argument I'd had with this smelly git. After I was done, I asked him the question I was dying to ask. When I had asked him my question: "Where'd 'Lord Voldemort the Great' go when he disappeared after falling out my window?" his face turned pale and he swayed on his chair like he was about to faint again. Then he looked at me seriously for a few minuets and then do you know what happened-he got up and without another word he left. How rude! Don't you think it was rude of him to just walk away like that? He didn't even answer my question either. I mean… I must say… Oh… Honestly!

~Chapter 55~

Something very exciting is happening here right now and right outside my door too boot. I heard a lot of people rushing around outside my door for the past two days. Something BIG must be happening but what? I wonder if that "Ron" or Severus Snape is involved somehow? No one has come to see me so I've had no news and I can't tell very much about what's going on by looking out my newly repaired window. Maybe they've caught the plant napper or the serial plant killer. Wouldn't that be good news guys? Or maybe they've finally caught You-Know-Who, whoever goes by this stupid name. Or possible that imposter who calls himself "Lord Voldemort the Great" when everyone here knows that there is only one, me. All others are just fakes. Hey, maybe I should have cards printed up that say that. Um…. 

I am Lord Voldemort the Great

Everyone else is just a fake.

It could work. I'll have to see if I can have it done though. Anyway, I'll write more later when I've found out what's going on here. I hope it's something exciting and not something dumb. We could sure use some excitement in the "Secure Section of Hogwarts". Until later.

To be continued…..

A/N: None of these characters belong to us. We are only responsible for Lockhart's new personality, the talking plants, Dudley and Vernon and the plot. Everything else belongs to… well you know who.


	6. Default Chapter Title

# Magical…….Who? My Life After

# Part Six

## By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Heheheheheheeh, we're back and that means Lockhart is back too with Dudley and Vernon and Petunia and some others too. Just wait and see what happens now. And yep, these characters, except Dudley and Vernon belong to You-Know-Who sorry couldn't help ourselves again well J. K. Rowling. By the way, we're beginning to think that this fic will never end; we've dubbed it "The Never-Ending Fanfic." Read, review and comments are always wanted. And now we give you Lockhart et al. 

~Chapter 56~

Still no news on the event of the century happening on the other side of my door. I really wished that I dared to venture out of my room to see but I'm sure they would only tell me to get out of the way, besides I already tried and the door is locked from the outside. I really wonder what is going on outside maybe the plant napper has been caught or perhaps the serial plant killer or maybe, just maybe that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great has returned. Hmmm, I asked Dudley and Vernon if they knew what was going on but they didn't say anything. They've been getting really secretive lately so they haven't been talking to me. I wonder why. All I know is that it's really boring not having anyone to talk to. All I do is write and wait and I don't even know what I'm waiting for really. I just wish that whatever I was waiting for would happen because I'm getting really bored and I don't like to be bored, it's well, boring. It's times like these when Dudley and Vernon don't want to talk that I wished Petunia could talk, but all she does is sit there, doing nothing just like the Muggle plant she is. 

~Chapter 57~

I finally got a visitor today, it was that old man with the moon-shaped glasses, he came to check up on me to make sure I was doing okay. I was just glad to finally get a visitor; it's been so long since anyone came by that I would've even been happy to see that "Ron" or Severus Snape. But, I was really glad it was the old man with the moon-shaped glasses because, you see, I had a lot of questions to ask him like: "What's been going on outside my room?" "How come no one has come to visit me?" "Why was the color I was wearing called red and not blue?" or was it blue and not red, whatever. "Why did that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great disappear when he fell out of my window?" At this last question he looked most interested so I told him the story of how my window got broken and about my visit from that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great. He listened, he was a good listener although he didn't react to the story the same way that "Ron" did and I was surprised by that. When I finished he nodded his head a faint smile on his face and he told me he would tell me later why that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great vanished. I hate that it's always later, later, later never now, now, now. Well, maybe later will come in a few hours. Anyway, we continued to talk for a while and that was when it happened. The old man with the moon-shaped glasses said that secret word, you know the one; he said it to that kid with the black box around his neck. Drat why can't I….wait! he said Lemon Drop, that was it. Lemon Drop. I remembered something with out you Dudley, ha! Sorry, about that. So he said Lemon Drop and I thought I was about to be let in on the "Big Secret" but all he did was offer me this yellow, oval shaped stone-like thingy. I looked at it a little strangely but I took it nonetheless because I didn't want to be rude even if I was disappointed by it. He smiled again and then rose to leave but I stopped him because I had yet to ask my most important question of all: "Could I have cards made with: I Am Lord Voldemort the Great. Everyone Else is Just a Fake printed on them?" He looked at me still smiling then he shook his head in a sad sort of way then he left. He left without even answering my other questions I had asked earlier all I got was I'll tell you later. Why is it always later!!!!….Dudley, Vernon what are you laughing at? Why are you…oh what's the word…drat!….Yes, mocking…why are you mocking me?

~Chapter 58~

I had yet another visitor today. It was that short, plump woman, you know the one who likes plants she came to look at Dudley and Vernon…oh and Petunia too, but she seemed especially interested in Dudley and Vernon, looking at them as if she half expected them to turn into something other then the plants that they were. I wondered for while why she was looking at them in such a way and then I discovered why, I mean it was really obvious. She was jealous. She really wanted Dudley and Vernon because I have the only two talking plants in the world and she told me so. This made me wonder for a while if she was the plant napper, but then I quickly banished the idea because I know it's either that "Ron" or Severus Snape. Anyway, I let her continue to look at Dudley and Vernon, because she seemed to really care a great deal about them. She even asked me to keep a journal of their habits for her and I plan to as soon as I find out what habit means. Anyway, the short, plump woman finally finished looking at Dudley and Vernon and then she said:

"I see Dumbledore has been here."

"Huh?"

"The Lemon Drop is his calling card."

"Yes," I said smiling, she returned my smile and then she said she would be back tomorrow with a new Muggle plant for me. I can hardly wait to see what she brings me. I bet it'll be really cool.

Then she left and I turned my attention to the Lemon Drop, she said it was his Calling Card. I wonder what that means. A Calling Card? Perhaps it's some sort of communication device like that wall earlier or maybe it's some sort of device to spy on people with. What if I was being spied on as I wrote? What if. I looked at the Lemon Drop sitting on my desk with a look of trepidation now. What if, I kept thinking to myself. Then an idea came to me…shut up Dudley I've already told you that I do get ideas sometimes…What do you mean "That's hard to believe."…ANYWAY, I decided I'd fix that Lemon Drop and whoever would be spying on me. So do you know what I did, I put the Lemon Drop in desk drawer so now they won't be able to see me, just the inside of the old dusty desk drawer. Pretty smart huh? What Vernon?…thank-you for the compliment…that was a compliment right? Oh well, who cares I've outsmarted those strange people.

Now, Dudley, Vernon can you tell me who plant napped you?…No, you still need more time. What!?! It happened ages ago…What?!? You don't remember being plant napped! How can you not remember something as traumatic as that!? We really need to talk about this.

~Chapter 59~

That short, plump woman did come back, just like she said she would and she did bring me another Muggle plant, another flour…What Vernon? F-L-O-W-E-R not F-L-O-U-R

Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. Yes a flower and it's very pretty. It's called a Lily and it looks nothing like Petunia, I think Lily is prettier then Petunia, but don't tell her I said that. Plants, even ones that don't talk can be very emotional about things. So the short, plump woman told me how to care for Lily, told me I would do a great job, then she left just as happy as when she entered. She's a strange one but I like her she seems to have a better understanding of the bond between plants and people. I'm surprised that plants don't talk to her. I wonder why. I'm so glad to have another Muggle plant to look after. I've set Lily next to Petunia on the windowsill and I think that Dudley is jealous because I've put them in his favorite spot. But, they need the sun, it makes them happy and I want them to be happy. I hope Lily likes it here. I hope her and Petunia can be friends. 

~Chapter 60~

I think that the short, plump woman brought something else yesterday besides Lily. It's been flying around my room all day. It's a rather large flying bug…A fly Dudley, that's what it's called? Well, that's a stupid name for it. Anyway, this fly keeps flying right in front of me while I'm trying to write this. It's really annoying. But, more annoying then that is that buzzing sound it makes, especially when they get near your ear. I think it even bit me too. Do flies bite? I wonder if it's bad that it bit me. Will I get some dread disease or something? I hope not. Well, I have to stop writing the fly is really annoying me. 

~Chapter 61~

Uh-oh, I think that Petunia and Lily don't like each other. I think that Petunia is afraid that I'm planning to get rid of her or something because I got Lily. I tried to tell her that I wasn't but if she heard me she said nothing. But, of course she doesn't talk. I keep forgetting that. I'm so use to Dudley and Vernon that I forget that Muggle plants don't talk. It's too bad; it would be nice to know what Petunia it thinking right now. Well, I better go take care of them. Yes, that fly is still here.

~Chapter 62~

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! That Bug!….yes, the Fly….keeps zooming right in front of me. It just won't seem to stop. It seems bent on keeping me from writing. I didn't know these bugs could be so troublesome. Anyway, it's doing a good job of keeping me from writing. GET…OUT!!!!!

~Chapter 63~

Well, I'm still here-but that fly isn't. Hehehehe. Let me tell you the story. It will shock and amaze you. What happened shocked and amazed me. Here follows the story of The Fly and Me:

I was sitting here writing like I always do; only I hadn't been able to because of that stupid fly. Anyway, that stupid fly kept on flying in front of me like it had been for the last two days. It also kept making that annoying buzzing sound. All it did was fly and buzz and fly and buzz so finally I decided I was going to take care of the bug. But, how? It was after the fifth time it past me that I resolved I was going to get the fly the next time it passed by. (Hey, that rhymed. I rhymed again.) Anyway, I also had decided how I was going to take care of the little bugger (heheheh) Anyway, I went back to writing again, but not really because you see I had developed a plan to get rid of the fly and my plan hinged on writing or rather acting like I was writing. This "writing" was just a ploy to get the fly to fly by and fly by it did. I slowly moved my hands to the edges of my book and WHAM! I shut the book on the fly. HA! I exclaimed as I heard the familiar squishing sound. I reopened my book because I had to continue writing and yes I wanted to see my fly splat. I know it's gross but hey what can I say. Now, here is the part that will shock and amaze you. I opened my book and was appalled to see that the splat I had wasn't fly splat at all. On the page was a small, bluish person with pointy features and wings. 

Isn't that amazing. Just wait the best is yet to come. 

I had never seen anything like that before and for some reason I found that I was afraid of this strange, splatted creature. I also, for reasons unknown to me, knew it was called a Rock Cornish Hen…What Dudley…? Cornish Pixie? Really? Anyway, this one was pressed flat into the pages of my book. I studied it for a while, making sure not to get too close. It was fascinating to look at. Then do you know what happened? The Pixie Splat began to move and soon it wasn't Pixie Splat anymore but a real pixie. This caught me off guard, wouldn't it have caught you off guard. I mean it was just Splat and now it wasn't. It had been dead but it was now alive. Before I had a chance to move away from it it shot off the page, poked me in the eye with it's pointy little finger, shouted something that I won't repeat here and then it flew off, straight for the window. My new window was soon broken again and Lily and Petunia were on the floor amid loads of glass. 

Then the screaming started. It was Vernon screaming at the top of his lungs because of his fear of heights, which I don't understand because he was no where near the window and if anyone should've been screaming it would've been Lily, Petunia and I. And that was that. The Cornish Pixie flew out of the window as if nothing had happened to it. Now, that's Strange with a capitol S. Wasn't that whole thing just shocking and amazing. I thought it was too.

Well, I have to repot Petunia and Lily now. Vernon don't scream so, I'll have someone come and fix the window again. Hey, I wonder if that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great will come back again. Geez, Vernon and Dudley just fainted again. Well at least it's quiet now. I hope that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great comes, I'll be sure to give him one of my cards I just made myself, so he knows whom the real Lord Voldemort the Great is. He'll be so surprised. I can't wait.

~Chapter 64~

That Fake Lord Voldemort the Great never showed up last night at all. I even waited for him at the window. I felt sure that the broken window would bring him back sort of like a moth to a flame sort of thing. But, I guess it'll take more then a broken window to bring that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great back. Perhaps the old man with the moon shaped glasses knows a way to get that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great to come back. Maybe I'll ask him. Better yet I'll ask that "Ron" and watch him faint again. Hehehehe. Anyway, I'm really disappointed in that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great I had everything ready for him. I was waiting at the open window to give him a warm welcome and to give him one of my cards and he didn't show up. I guess he must be scared of me. He should be.

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT THE GREAT! EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST A FAKE!!

Vernon is still screaming because no one had fixed the window yet. I've been telling him someone will fix it soon, I mean after all it's only been a few hours since it happened. However, I hope someone comes by soon, because at the rate Vernon is screaming he could very well bring the plant napper and serial plant killer down on us. 

~Chapter 65~

I gave out my first card today. Although, I had really hoped the first would go to that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great. But, I found an even better person…that "Ron." I don't even really know why he came by because after I gave him the card he paled, then turned right around and went back out the door. I wonder if he fainted once he was on the other side. I didn't hear any dead weight fall against my door after he left so I guess he didn't. Now, that he's gone though I really wonder what it was he wanted. I mean that "Ron" doesn't usually come by himself. Oh well, I guess if it was important he'll come back and tell me. 

Dudley could you please try to keep Vernon calmed down more, his screams are driving me crazy…Thank-you Dudley.

~Chapter 66~

I was thinking about that "Ron" and yesterday and I had to kick myself, well not really because that would be impossible to do, but I would've kicked myself if it was possible because it was really stupid of me to give him one of those cards. You know why it was really stupid, because I bet he was going to tell me about the commotion outside my room the other day or perhaps tell me that they had caught the plant napper and serial plant killer or maybe, just maybe he was coming to confess his guilt as being the one to cause all this pain to the plant world. How could I have been so stupid…What Dudley? Hey that wasn't a very nice thing to say, "You couldn't be anymore stupid." That's down right rude to say even. I'm beginning to not like your attitude towards me…What!? You don't care because you like your attitude. What's come over you? Why has Vernon been so quiet?… WHAT!?!?… You'll never tell… Tell what?… Where is Vernon?…WHO'S VERNON!?…WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHO'S VERNON?!?!… Vernon!!!!! Vernon!!!! VERNON!!!!!!!!!!!

~Chapter 67~

I found Vernon, all I had to do was follow his muffled cries of fear. Somehow, Dudley had put him under my bed with a blanket over him. I'm surprised nothing happened to Vernon under the bed because I'm not sure what's under it. Anything could've happened to him. But, it didn't and he's safe.

I'm not sure what's going on with Dudley. His behavior is really disturbing. Last night I heard him laughing…oh what's the word…Maniacally yes, thank-you Vernon. It was really creepy. In fact Dudley is doing it now….SHUT-UP DUDLEY!!! Now, that was really rude Dudley. I mean really really rude. I think that Dudley might need psychological help. I wonder if there's a plant psychiatrist here. I'll have to ask.

WOULD YOU QUIT WITH THE MINAICAL LAUGHTER!!!!

Wait! What if Dudley has been…oh what's the word…yes possessed thanks Vernon by that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great's spirit or something. Even if he is Fake he could be trying to somehow get my powers or something like that. I hope that this is not the case. I hope it's just a phase he's going through. But, what if it's not? What do you do when good plants go bad?

Yep, still more to come……


	7. Default Chapter Title

# Magical……Who? My Life After

Part Seven

## By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N: Well, we're back yet again with more Lockhart. Hmmm, we've noticed a fair amount of Lockhart related fic recently. Did we start something? Anyway, here's more of Magical…Who? You get to find out about the "big secret" in this section. Read, enjoy and please, please, please review. We Love reviews. Well here goes…

~Chapter 68~

Still no news on the commotion outside my door. I wish I knew what it was though. It might help me to figure out what's wrong with Dudley. SHUT UP DUDLEY!! That maniacal laughing is REALLY starting to get annoying! See what I mean? Dudley has been laughing like that for three hours straight and Vernon has yet to stop screaming with his height problem. What Dudley? Now that really really wasn't a polite thing to say about Vernon. What do you mean you don't care if it was polite or not? What's gotten into you lately, Dudley? What? No, I will not bow to you! What's going on with you anyway? You want to…what. No! You leave Petunia and Lily out of this, they're just Muggle plants… All Mudbloods and Muggles are useless to you plan? What plan…? Your plan to take over the world?! Now hold it just one minuet Dudley…!

~Chapter 69~

Sorry I had to stop writing but you see Dudley did something very odd even for a magical talking plant. He tried to and did knock me down and then he tried to strangle me! I'm very worried about him and I'm not exactly sure what's going on with him. He's been acting… oh what's the word for it… Off… off… Yes, off color-thank you Vernon. Anyway, he's been acting off color for days, ever since that Fake Lord Voldemort fell out my window and disappeared. Ummm…. I wonder if there's connection… Anyway, I've set Dudley in "his" window again, even though it's still not fixed yet.

I'm mad about that too! You see that old man with the moon shaped glasses came to see me again. He wanted to know whether I had seen that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great anywhere around. Well, I hadn't and I told him so and then I asked if someone would come and fix my window again because Vernon's screams were beginning to drive me crazy. He asked what happened so I told him the story of "Me and the Pixie Splat".He thought it was funny, at least I think he did, because he smirked. Then he said those two words again-LEMON DROP. Well, I told him that I didn't like lemon drops. He shrugged and then said that he wasn't sure when he could get someone in to fix the window because well… Now how did he put it…? Oh yeah, they were having trouble with the Muggle's or maybe it was the Muggle world. What's that Vernon? Oh I'm sorry… they were having problems with the Muggle world. I wondered what he meant and so I asked him but he wouldn't tell me. What Dudley…? Now wait just a minuet I may be… No Dudley, I'm not stupid! What?! Now really Dudley! There's no cause to act like that! You don't care! Well, I don't care for your attitude! What? You don't care if I don't care!…

~Chapter 69~

That giant, hairy man was here to see me today. I've only seen him from a distance and I thought he was huge then. Well, he's really really huge up close. He almost didn't fit in my room. He wanted to see how I was doing. Everyone is so concerned about my well being which is more than I can say for certain ivy plants I could mention. I told him that I was feeling just fine and the giant hairy man seemed happy with that. I was so desperate for news that I was glad for a visitor- I would have been glad to see that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great or that "Ron" even. I asked the giant, hairy man if he knew what the "Big Secret" was and why there was still quite a lot of commotion around not just my door but outside too? At first he wouldn't tell me. Instead he told me all about his pumpkins, his class that he taught, his hippogriffs and the dragon he had gotten a few years back.

"Dragon… You had a dragon?" I asked, forgetting all about my questions for a few moments.

"Yeh, I di'," he said.

Then he proceeded to tell me all about Norbert who was a type of dragon called a… a…Oh what are the words he used… Norwegian Ridgeback-thanks Vernon, your so helpful. Much better then that old piece of IVY. Dudley stop tormenting Petunia and Lily this minuet or I'll… You're not afraid of me!!! You'd better start behaving or I'll… What do you mean I can't do anything…

Sorry I had to stop writing for a moment to take care of Dudley. Anyway, when the giant, hairy man had finished his story, he rubbed his eyes on a dirty hanky. I asked him if he missed Norbert and he said yes but that Norbert was probably happier with other dragons. He sniffled for a while and when he was done I asked him if he would like another dragon to keep. His eyes got wide and he looked tempted but then he paled and said he didn't think so. I shrugged. Then I asked him to please tell me what's going on.

"Nobody tells me anything. I promise I won't tell anyone that you've told me. I'll probably forget it anyway."

So he told me the whole story. Apparently, some Muggle reporter broke through the charm that protects the magic world and saw things that he took pictures of and talked to wizards who didn't know who he was. Then he wrote the whole story down and everyone who read it believed it. Imagine! 

"Now the Muggles know about us and a right sorry mess it is too!"

No one knows how the Muggle got in or how the spell was broken. At least that's what the giant, hairy man said before he left. I wonder how they did it? Muggles! Sometime they're too smart for they're own good. Hey Dudley… Vernon… What do you think. What do you mean you don't care Dudley!? You've been acting stranger and stranger lately. You really need help. I wonder if there are any plant psychiatrists.

~Chapter 70~

This strange Muggle contraption flew right over my tower early this morning. Extremely early this morning in fact. I'll bet they where snapping away with those black boxes that all Muggles seem to have. Anyway the contraption scared Vernon to death and knocked Dudley right out the open window. It was called an… an… airplane. Thank you Vernon. The oddest thing about the whole thing is that when Dudley fell out of the window he disappeared just like that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great! I wonder where they both went? Are they in the same place or did they go two separate places…? Hey Vernon.

~Chapter 71~

Well, here I am just waiting and waiting again. That Fake Lord Voldemort the Great hasn't come back and neither has Dudley. I thought maybe if one came back that perhaps the other would follow, but I guess I was wrong. Of course as neither of them has come back I guess I'm not really wrong. Anyway, I wonder where they've gone. Maybe they've gone to that place…you know what place…no Vernon not There, honestly. I mean the other place, the place were lost things go when they get, well lost. You know the place were all your favorite toys disappear to.

I wonder how your stuff can just vanish like that. Is there a person somewhere poised over a button just waiting for you to get that one toy, book, or other so badly wanted item so they can just take it away from you with a push of their large black button of doom. 

One minuet you're stuff is there they next WHAM it's gone to that deep, dark, black void of nothingness where it just stays and stays suspended in time, never to return to you. The large and never-ending bottomless pit of darkness and despair. The dreadful black hole of never-ending darkness. That place is so vile that even the vilest of creatures would never go there! That place is so dark and bleak that most things never make it back…!

What Vernon I'm scaring you? I'm scaring myself too. I hope I never get lost…Wait a minuet maybe that's where my memory is. Maybe when…if Dudley returns he'll have it for me…of course if the "Lost Place" is as I've described it then there is no hope for that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great, Dudley or my memory. 

This is dreadful. Oh, Dudley you're a resourceful plant. You'll find a way out. When you do I sure hope you come back as your normal self and not as you have been.

~Chapter 72~

Guess what?!? 

No before you ask that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great and Dudley have not returned yet. But, I did get my window fixed, again. Vernon is soooooooooooo happy and to tell you the truth I think I'm a little more happy then he is. I was really being driven crazy by Vernon's screams compounded by Dudley's maniacal laughter. I'm not even sure which was worse.

Anyway, they decided to fix my window because of this problem with the Muggles. They were afraid that somehow that Muggle reporter would be able to sneak into my room just as he had snuck into…oh what's that place called…no Vernon not the "Lost Place" …the other place…Oh Drat…D, yes it began with a D…Di…Dia…Diagon Alley…yes, that was the place thanks Vernon. Somehow that Muggle reporter had gotten into this place. I'm not sure how as Diagon Alley is supposed to be Muggle proof. So much for that theory. 

~Chapter 73~

I really miss Dudley. Speaking of plants did I tell you that Petunia and Lily have taken to sitting as far away from each other as possible. They don't like each other very much I guess. I wish they could talk, since they are Muggle plants it would be interesting to see what they would think about this whole affair. I bet they wouldn't even care, they would just sit there and yell back and forth at each other and drive me crazy. Perhaps it's good that they can't talk.

Anyway, I've not found anything else out yet. I wish that someone with news would visit me. More importantly I wish they would tell me the whole story so I knew exactly what was going on. I hate being in the dark about these sort of things. It's frightening. 

What Vernon…? Can you sit in Dudley's spot? Sure but you have to promises me that you won't go crazy or decide to jump, okay.

~Chapter 74~

Well, Vernon is in Dudley's window, Lily and Petunia are on opposite sides of the room and I'm in the middle writing about it all. Exciting huh? Vernon has been really quiet since I put him in that spot, I sure hope that this silence is one of thinking and not the beginnings of a mental problem like Dudley started to have. Vernon are you okay…? What? You're just thinking. Good. I'll leave you alone now with you're thoughts. Plants can be really deep thinkers when they want to be. 

~Chapter 75~

Great News!!! No Dudley and that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great have not come back nor has my memory returned, although that would be great news indeed. I had a visitor today. Not just any visitor either. A new one. A person I had never seen before. A new face. A new…there I go again wandering off the topic geez I wish I could stop that…Anyway this new visitor was a person I had never seen before which is the reason why he was a new visitor. Of course he's not new to me anymore because…ugh I need to stick to the story gosh I really need Dudley he kept me on task.  
  


This visitor was a very plain looking man. There was really nothing outstanding about him. Not like the kid with the scar or the old man with moon-shaped glasses, now those are distinguishing marks. This man didn't have a distinguishing mark of any sort. He wore a bowler hat though which is kind of strange around here as all the other people wear pointed hats so I guess that bowler hat was his distinguishing mark. 

His name was Caramel Fudge and he came…What Vernon…? Cornelius Fudge was his name are you sure…? Okay, anyway bowler hat man came and talked to me for a very long time. It took me a very long time to try and figure out what he was talking to me about then he asked me:

"What do you know about the Muggle problem?"

He said it like he suspected I had something to do with it all. I don't know why he would think that because I never leave my room, well except for the brief time I was gone looking for Dudley…Dudley I hope you're okay. Anyway, I told him I didn't have anything to do with it. He nodded but he sure didn't look convinced of my innocence in the Muggle problem. Of course what could I do way up here in a tower. I mean really. 

He muttered something about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named being in on this too. Then he asked me if this He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had ever visited me. I told him no but that I did have a Fake Lord Voldemort the Great come through my broken window about two weeks ago and that I was waiting for his return and for Dudley to come back with him. At this pronouncement bowler hat man went really pale almost as pale as that "Ron" but he recovered from it quickly and asked me to tell him all I knew. 

I didn't tell him all I knew because that would take too much time so I told him about that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great and all that happened but I don't think he believed that that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great vanished because he started to look around the room a look of fear on his face. He mumbled something that I didn't catch and then he left before I had a chance to give him one of my cards. Too bad to. He left in such a preoccupied state that he left his newspaper here. 

It's call the _Daily Prophet _and all the stories are about this Muggle reporter and the breech of security he caused by passing into this world. Apparently the situation is much worse then I thought at first because you see now the governments are involved. You know things are bad when the government starts to get involved. Bowler hat man had to send letters by owl to every government official around the world including the President of the United States and our own Prime Minister. Muggles scare me, just look at the picture of this guy you can tell he's up to no good. 

I wonder if the old man with moon-shaped glasses can fix it. I sure hope so. If only we could go back in time and fix it. If only we could turn back time.

~Chapter 75~

If I told you what happened after bowler hat man left you wouldn't ever believe me. I hardly believe myself. Let's just say that it involved the old man with the moon shaped glasses, the brown haired girl with cooties and an hourglass. Don't ask me how it was done because I don't really understand it. All I know is that we did turn back time and fix the Muggle problem. I can't write anymore now because I'm too tired. Maybe someday I'll tell you the story of Gild… oops. I mean the story of Lord Voldemort the Great (and everyone else is just a fake) and the Time Turner. But not now.


	8. Default Chapter Title

Magical……Who? My Life After

Part 8

By: TheMischiefMakers

A/N/Disclaimer: Well, here's Lockhart again. Just see what happens now. Enjoy. J. K Rowling owns all the characters.

~Chapter 76~

Did I tell you that Dudley's back…? Well he is. He's sitting in his spot right now soaking up the sun. That's what Dudley said he missed most while he was gone… his spot in at the window with the sun streaming over him. He won't tell me where he went when he disappeared. It's irritating to me that he won't tell me anything but what can I do. I'll just have to wait for him to be ready to tell me what happened. Petunia and Lily are still glowering at each other from opposite ends of the room. I guess I shouldn't have tried to set them next to each other because when I did, they began to grapple with one another and Lily fell to the floor, breaking her pot. She's been repotted and now I know they hate each other. Vernon says that he likes Petunia better then Lily anyway because Lily is "too pretty to be real". I wonder what he means…Hey Vernon what do you mean by… Oopps …I'm going of topic again. I'm really, really sorry and I'll try not to do so in the future.

Anyway, Dudley is back and is acting normal again. Thank goodness. No more maniacal laughter, no more secretiveness, no more talking in his sleep about…Anyway, he's just plain old Dudley again. My good friend is back and I am so glad of it. I just wish that Petunia and Lily would stop glaring at each other and try to get along, or that something exciting would happen here. There has been no excitement since that Muggle scare of several days ago and I'm getting soooo bored. Hey maybe that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great will come back in through my window. I hope he does because I'll be ready for him. You hear me… Lord Voldemort is ready for you…I am the true Lord Voldemort and you are just a fake!!!!!

~Chapter 77~

Well, things are still Boring…with a capitol B…and I'm sure everyone else is getting bored to. I know! I'll tell you the story about the…the…oh drat! I can't remember things that only happened a few days ago. Is my memory getting worse? Well, it hasn't improved I can tell you that much. I just wish I could remember my great adventure that I just had, it was something truly worthy of being written about. The stuff of which books are made. And stupid me can't remember it…Dudley that was rude to say…I thought we were friends again…Vernon stop laughing…Grrrr. Maybe if I banged my head on my desk I would remember…

~Chapter 77? Or is it 99? What comes after 77?~

Well, hitting my head didn't work, it merely gave me a terrible headache and I think it made my memory problem worse. Does anyone know what comes after 77? Is it 99 or is it 39…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I said that number…the…The Bad Number. Terrible things are going to start to happen. Just you wait, you'll see…What Dudley…? I am not stupidstitious. That number is Bad Luck…You can laugh all you want but just wait and see what happens…What Vernon…? Bring it on…?! Vernon, don't challenge The Bad Luck…it's well Bad Luck and Bad Luck can make your life miserable.

~Chapter 79?~

I think 79 is right, of course I can't write very well while hiding under my blankets on my bed. I'm going to stay under cover until The Bad Luck passes by. I can't believe I said that number. Dudley says I'm being stupid and childish, but he wasn't there the first time I uttered that number. It was pure Bedlam…don't laugh Dudley…you either Vernon…You either Petunia and Lily…not that Muggle plants laugh or anything. I'm sure it was pure Bedlam when I uttered that number the last time…of course I don't remember what happened, but that doesn't matter. I just know it was bad. I've got a gut feeling about this all. It will be terrible when The Bad Luck finds me…maybe hidden under here it won't see me. Out of sight out of mind you know. Wait! Does that saying apply to The Bad Luck, I mean, as far as I can tell The Bad Luck doesn't have a mind…oh dear. This is going to be the worst Bad Luck ever!

~Chapter 80~

Well, I'm still under cover. Dudley and Vernon are still laughing at me. If Lily and Petunia were non-Muggle plants I bet they'd be laughing too. However, for all their laughing, I've not experienced any of The Bad Luck while hidden. Perhaps, The Bad Luck does have a mind. Interesting idea. Perhaps, I've out smarted The Bad Luck in some way. Maybe, the blankets are magic or something. Maybe, I've become invisible or something. Wouldn't that be great to have something like a blanket…no better yet a cloak that would make you invisible. After all one would look stupid running around in a blanket …Dudley quit laughing…wait since you're in such a good mood would you like to tell me who Plant-napped you a while ago…? What do you mean if I thought about it I'd figure it out? Don't start getting cryptic with me again. I can't stand it…ha-ha-ha Vernon, yes I know I'm sitting not standing…Plants!!!

~Chapter 81~

Well, I've been hidden for three days now. I've heard that three is The Lucky Number, so perhaps is counter acts the effects of The Bad Luck. After tonight I'll come out from being under cover and get on with my life…such as it is. Perhaps, by tomorrow I will be able to boast about being the only person alive who has out smarted The Bad Luck. I mean there can't be many people who can lay claim to that. 

I also seem to be remembering a little too; well at least my numbers are coming back to me…they are too Dudley and I'll prove it. 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, 99, 34, 55, 2, 1, 44, 56…What are you laughing at Dudley?!

Well, it's been interesting writing while under cover but I think I'll wait until tomorrow, so I can write properly at my desk, to finish telling you this story…That wasn't very nice Dudley…If I remember the story. I remember loads of things. Just loads.

~Chapter 82~

Well, The Bad Luck has gone…Hurray!!!! And I'm no longer forced to be under cover anymore. I can write properly now, sitting upright, flat surface, ink not tipping over. I just hope the old man with the moon-shaped glasses doesn't get angry about the ink stains on the blankets. I'm glad to be out, it was really cramped under cover. Unfortunately, I've forgotten my great story I was going to tell you. I wish I could remember it. Well, maybe someday I'll be able to tell you all about it. Perhaps, it will come back to me, just like the numbers did…What Dudley…? It's 39 that's…AHHHHHH!!!! I said it…I said it again!!! Dudley, that was a very evil thing to make me say that number…The Bad Luck…

~Chapter 83~

Well, The Bad Luck finally caught up with me and I'm forced to go under cover again and it's all Dudley's fault. That was a terrible trick to play on me Dudley…fine, don't answer. Anyway, right after I uttered That Number I slipped on a banana peel. Problem is I just don't seem to remember anyone having bananas in my room. I know I didn't. I hate bananas. When I eat them I break out into this rash that covers my entire body and it's really disgusting plus it really itches a lot…I mean a lot. Anyway, I slipped on this banana peel and fell forward towards the window. I thought for a moment I was going to go out the window which would've been fun because then I would be able to go to That Place…you know the place where that Fake Lord Voldemort went when he fell out the window. But, alas I didn't. I just missed falling out the window by a few inches but my arm didn't. My arm went right threw the window, shattering it completely, the window not my arm which is fine now because the old man with moon-shaped glasses had some lady fix it for me and now it's as good as new. So now Vernon is screaming his head off again because the window is broken again. Lucky, for Dudley that he wasn't in the window at the time or he would be a goner. Perhaps, that Fake Lord Voldemort will come again since he missed the last broken window. I really hope he comes I'm bored and I need some excitement. Of course, I'm not sure he'll notice me hidden under here in the dark. Oh well, guess I'll find out later if he comes or not in the mean time I'm just going to wait out The Bad Luck again, but this time I'll wait before I write anymore there are way too many ink stains on the blankets.

~Chapter 84~

Well, I've come out from being under cover. You know, even in the daytime it's really dark under cover and at night it's just plain spooky. And speaking of spooky I have a spooky tale to tell you it happened on the second night of being under cover. 

I was sitting there minding my own business when I heard this curious sound. Actually, it wasn't curious at all it sounded just like footsteps. I wondered if it was that Fake Lord Voldemort but I'm sure it wasn't because they were coming from outside my room not inside and if it was that Fake Lord Voldemort he would come in by the window like always so this was defiantly not him. Anyway, these footsteps stopped right outside my door and then I heard voices…shut-up Dudley I'm not going insane I did hear voices right outside my room. Then the door opened slightly and the footsteps entered. I was brave enough to look out from beneath my shelter and guess what I saw. Nothing. There was no one there but there was footsteps and hushed whispers...I'm not going crazy Dudley there were voices…Strange, huh? Well, it gets stranger. Well, I watched and continued to see nothing but I heard people in my room. It's a scary thing not to be able to see people that you know are there. I think it was two people but there may have been more because I never saw them. I thought maybe they were ghosts or something but I don't believe in ghosts.

Then it came to me I was going to catch the plant nappers or maybe the serial plant killer or perhaps even the person who is turning people into plants in action and for a brief moment I thought I was going to be the next target. I quickly thought what kind of plant would I like most to be. Maybe, if I thought of a plant I liked, I would become that plant when they attacked me. But, to my amazement they didn't go anywhere near Dudley, Vernon, Petunia or Lily and they came nowhere near the bed. I continued to watch the people that weren't there for a whole hour before their footfalls went back towards the door and it opened and they left the room. I heard them laughing outside and running off. 

I was too afraid to leave my bed at the time to see what was different and I still haven't even though The Bad Luck has passed. I wonder what those people who were there but weren't there were doing in my room. I can see a strange thing sitting on my desk and I don't know what it is. 

More to come and soon…..


	9. Default Chapter Title

Magical…Who?My Life After

Chapters 85-100

Part: 9

By: TheMischiefMakers

~Chapter 85~

I'm still sitting here, looking at the large, dark mass sitting on my desk. I wonder what it is as I peer out of the blankets at it. It looks harmless, but looks are deceiving…like that Fly/Pixie Splat earlier in that other chapter with the story of Me and the Pixie Splat. Who would've thought that it would come back to life after being squashed flat…I mean that's just not a normal thing that happens. I mean it was dead…and dead is dead right? It looked dead but it deceived me into thinking it was dead when it really wasn't dead at all. 

I mean, really, looks are deceiving all the time.

A smiling person is often hiding devious plans. Serial Killers look just like you and me but they are not like us, especially those ones that have this crazy look in their eyes and carry around bloody butchers knives all the time. A book may have a nice cover but that doesn't mean it's a good or even a nice book, one time I opened this book and…well it was terrible I can't tell you about it though, just take my word for it looks are deceiving. Oh and never trust a smiling None…

What's that Dudley? Of course that makes sense. What do you mean that it doesn't make sense? What Vernon you think I should stop writing…that I'm going Insane! Now, wait just one minute here! WHAT! I am not insane…honestly!

~Chapter 86~

I had to talk to Dudley and Vernon for a while; they seemed to think I was going insane. I am not insane…What? You may not be but your writing is inane? That's not very nice to say Dudley! Don't your start too Vernon! I'm getting really tired of both of you. I don't know what's been going on but I intend to put a stop to this insulting me right now! It will stop! Dudley! Shut up! I'm not going too…

~Chapter 87~

Well, Dudley's insults finally drew me out of hiding. I'm still trying to calm down now after what happened and staring at the… Anyway here is the story…

I was coming at Dudley, leaving the comfort and safety of my bed when it happened. What happened you might be asking? Well, just wait and I'll tell you the story. Anyway, I was coming towards Dudley, threatening to…do bodily harm to him…he reminded me that he was a plant and that he really didn't have a body in the normal sense of the word. I paused and that was when it happened...

BANG!POP! CRASH!

There was a loud bang, then a series of multicolored lights…an awful stink…funny colored string exploded from the ceiling of the room and there was a thick black smoke that nearly killed me. I was so surprised that I nearly jumped out of the window. Too bad I didn't fall out of the window first, I would be rid of Dudley and Vernon and their insults. But, more importantly I might have been able to solve that age-old question…whatever it was…do stupid people fall faster? No, that wasn't it…I'll remember someday. 

This was just another instance of things deceiving me again. The room looked normal and everything but then it exploded into colors and light and this stringy stuff…it's still sticking to me. So there I was in the middle of all this strange stuff when it hit me…Well yes Dudley a piece of a tomato hit me in the face, but that is not what I was talking about hitting me…it was a memory that hit me. Strange huh? A bunch of color and lights brought me a memory of my past. But, the memory is very strange and I seem even now to wonder if I really had that flash and if it even was from my past and not perhaps someone else's instead.

Anyway, the vision I had from my past was that this very thing had happened to me before. No, Dudley not that I had lost my memory. But, being scared out of my mind by an unexpected prank. There was this strange man in my memory…he was laughing and pointing at me saying that I fell for it again. The man was Thaddeus, a friend of mine. I think he was a friend anyway…if he was then I surely don't need enemies do I? 

Anyway, I actually remember a flash from my past.But, as quickly as it surfaced, it faded away and I was left with only the lingering memory. I was shocked and surprised that I remembered something. It was so Magical…Who Cares!?! What do you mean, "who cares" Dudley? I thought that you of all people…plants…all the time we've spent together that you would be happy that I had this revelation. I thought that you would be happy that I seem to be regaining my memory. You don't care? I better see to Larry? Larry? Larry who? Who's Larry? 

~Chapter 88~

Well, after the display and my partial memory return I approached my desk with caution, towards the dark mess which was coming more into view and I could see that it was pink in color. I paused. I hate pink! It's an awful color…I think it is anyway. I can't believe that anyone would even consider using a color such as that. I know that many people are very fond of the color in fact Vernon just informed me that it's his favorite color…he wants me to paint his pot that color…Should I be worried about that? 

Anyway, on my desk, you'll never believe what it was…it was a Pink Plastic Squid. Dudley and Vernon tell me that its name is "Larry." But, can I really trust Vernon, I mean he likes pink! I think that both of them have totally lost it! I mean a Plastic Squid can't talk can it? That's just ridicules to even suggest. It's not real; it's not alive…What? His full name is Larry Lockhart and he's here to help me get my memory back? Oh, Puh-lease, that's just stupid. A Pink Plastic Squid is going to help me get my memory back? Really, you two its just ridicules to even suggest it. "Larry"…told you so? He talks to you? Come on guys that's just wrong, as in it's not right. It's a Pink Plastic Squid…_He's_ a Pink Plastic Squid? Oh, honestly!

~Chapter 89~

Well, Dudley and Vernon keep insisting that the Pink Plastic Squid…oh, very well, "Larry," is talking to them. I've never known a Plastic Squid to talk to anyone. I mean, they are not alive and only living things talk, right? Or am I being deceived again? Is this another case of looks being deceiving? 

Of course, I've never known a Plastic Squid before "Larry." Well, strange things do seem to happen around me, this place, plant nappers, Severus Snape, serial plant killers and that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great. Perhaps, it is my destiny to follow the path of strangeness? If that is the case then maybe…just maybe "Larry" is talking to Dudley and Vernon. I should keep an open mind…I wonder if he talks to Lily and Petunia?

There is one good thing about "Larry" I guess. Since his arrival Vernon has stopped screaming. 

So I sit here, writing about "Larry" the Pink Plastic Squid while looking out of the window at the lake, which is visible…Didn't the lake have a squid? Vernon, Dudley is "Larry" that squid…he's not telling? Honestly!

I want to know one thing Dudley. Who plant napped you? Was it that "Ron" or Severus Snape…What? You never left the room? But, you were plant napped. You…you rescued Vernon…you're a brave plant. You can't believe everything you see? Things aren't always what they seem! What! Now, I really don't understand you. Are you saying that you were not plant napped? Yes! But, I risked life and limb to find you and…I just can't seem to remember things very well anymore…what happened a few days ago…my life… 

My whole life is a sham? What do you mean by that? I don't understand you at all please explain yourself. Oh don't get quiet on me now Dudley…Drats! Vernon? Lily…Petunia…oh you don't talk… "Larry?"

~Chapter 90~

I'm too confused and upset to write. No one is talking to me…I really don't understand it…What Dudley…?

~Chapter 91~

…There once was a Squid named "Larry"…Larry

Who looks a lot like Harry…that kid with the scar?

And then one day

He was carried away

And that was really scary…Scary? 

No, that's not scary…but your poetry is Dudley…I'm really glad that you're talking to me again, but do I really have to pen your poetry about "Larry"…ok Larry? Don't you start Vernon…

~Chapter 92~

Dudley is still making me pen his poetry about "Larry" but I really must say that, though I like "Larry"the Pink Plastic Squid, Dudley's attempts at poetry leave something to be desired. I mean honestly! I'm pretty sure that not even that Lord Voldemort the Fake would write poetry that is as trite as the stuff that Dudley's had me write down for him. Dudley…"Larry" is not alive…what do you have a "Larry" fixation or something. What's that Vernon…no I've told you once before…I am _not _insane! Vernon! Well, at least I don't have a fixation on a Pink Plastic Squid! I'll bet that not even that Lord Voldemort the Fake doesn't act as weird as you and that he doesn't have a fixation on a squid named "Larry".

Speaking of the Fake Lord Voldemort…there is something strange going on here and I think that that Fake Lord Voldemort has something to do with it…What's that Dudley? You want me to what?! No…I don't feel like writing down any more of your "Ode to Larry" right now! I am trying to…Hey! Give me back my quill!

~Chapter 94~

Well, as you see there should be a different number then the one that appears here but this chapter would have had the reverse of the bad luck number on it and I really can't write either number. I'm sorry. You'll just have to live with it. Besides Dudley spilled ink all over that chapter in a fit of rage when I refused to pen anymore of his horrible poetry. I mean, honestly. If you're going to call yourself a poet then at least have the decency to write good poetry.

Anyway, Dudley has been acting strange again, almost as strange as he was acting before. He's been real moody lately and is keeping to himself. I'm really worried too. Vernon has not been of any help either. He seems to think that a good way to cheer Dudley up is to jump out at him wearing a tea cozy and yelling "Boo!" at him. I'm really beginning to wish that Lily and Petunia were magical plants. They might be able to help Dudley. I'm at my wits end…Yes; I do so have wits, Vernon.

Hey, I wonder if the Fake Lord Voldmort the Great has anything to do with this. I haven't seen him in months and I'm getting really, really worried about him…It? The Fake Lord Voldemort is an "it"? Just shut up, Dudley! Anyway he never took advantage of the fact that my window was broken for a long time to pay me a visit. Well now it's too late. The day after I'd heard those strange noises in my room and had that flash of memory, some men came and replaced the glass in it. So now Vernon has no reason to scream all the time.

~Chapter 95~

I was thumbing through my book that I have been writing my thoughts in and have noticed that it is almost full. I suppose they will let me have another soon. They say it is a sure fire way to get my memory back but it has yet to work. I hope that I am not being deceived by everyone here. Looks can be deceiving you know. I really hope I get a new journal soon and that Dudley doesn't ask me to fill it with his trite and badly rhymed poetry to "Larry".

I find "Larry" to be very….well…boring. He was okay at first but you really cannot hold a very good conversation with a squid, especially if he happens to be a plastic one. Plants are much better at conversations then Pink Plastic Squids are. It's really a pity actually. It would have been fun to talk to him and learn what it was like to be a Pink Plastic Squid. 

Oh, well…

~Chapter 96~

I had visitors today! That "Ron", the brown haired girl with cooties and the kid with the scar…Oh, yeah…Harry Potter came to see me. They all asked me how I was doing and I told them I was fine except that Dudley was not talking to me again. Harry Potter~the kid with the scar asked me if I had seen the Fake Lord Voldemort the Great and I said that I hadn't and that I was very angry about it because I had waited a whole week for him to come in through my broken window and all. The brown haired girl with the cooties patted my arm and told me it would be okay. She called me by that fellow Gilderoy's name again and I just smiled and nodded so as not to upset them.

After they had all left me and after I had checked to make sure that the plants were all save and sound, I heard a loud argument outside my room. Someone was talking about me, not the people who had just left but someone else. They mentioned me being moved and some saint whose name starts with the number "m"…Yes, that what I said Dudley.. the letter "m". I _said _letter not number…I think you need to get your hearing checked Dudley. 

I really don't want to leave here. I like it here in my room with my friends Dudley and Vernon and my Muggle plants Lily and Petunia. I even like it here with "Larry". I hope what I heard wasn't about me even though I did hear the words "Gilderoy Lockhart" mentioned.

~Chapter 97~

I'm really much to upset to write at this time. Sorry.

~Chapter 98~

I'm too busy packing to write anything much and now I'm really, really angry too. It's just not fair that I have to leave here to go to St. Whatis. 

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Chapter 99~

I have just two more days here in the Secure Section of Hogwarts and then I'll be gone and boy will they be sorry when that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great returns and I'm not here to help! I was told the awful news of my leaving by the old man with the moon shaped glasses. He looked really glad to see me go but I couldn't figure out why. I think I will miss it here. These four walls have been my home for a long while now and I will miss out on a lot of stuff. I shall especially miss that Fake Lord Voldemort the Great. He was fun and now I'll never get to figure out where he went when he jumped out my window. 

~Chapter 100~

Well, I'm all packed and I'm waiting for the people from St. Whatis to come…What's that Vernon…oh yeah, St. Mungo's. I wonder who he is the Patron Saint of? Anyway, as I look back over my journal of my time here at the Secure Section of Hogwarts, I realize that I have begun to remember a little bit about who I was before the accident. Maybe there is still a hope that I will get all of my memory back. There is only one thing that I regret and that is that I never figured out who that serial plant napper and plant killer was. Oh, well…St. Mungo's I hope your ready for the Real Lord Voldemort the Great cause everyone else is just a fake.

~*Fin*~

A/N: Well, that's the end…or is it? We hope you've enjoyed it, it was great to write! Lockhart and all Harry Potter Characters belong to J. K. Rowling and the Talking Plants and Larry the Pink Plastic Squid belongs to us. Until, the next story…Cheers!

~*TheMischiefMakers*~


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